Life With A Child With ADHD

This is a first-person account by a mum about discovering that her son has ADHD and the journey to diagnosis and beyond.

On 28th June 2001, I had my second son. After nearly 22 hours in labour, an emergency C-section was decided. Although I wanted to hold my son, I was so tired I also wanted to sleep. Luckily my sister was with me and my partner so I could rest. After a few hours, I cuddled this 8lb13 oz giant baby, a beautiful boy!

I didn’t realise how hard life would be with a two-year-old and a baby. Having had a C-section, it took an even longer time to feel myself again. But I was home, safe, and mum of two beautiful boys. I was happy. My little boy Jack was a happy baby. He ate well and as he got older, he met all of his milestones. Everything was fine.

And then he hit two years of age. We all know the terrible twos, but this wasn’t just the terrible twos. This child, my Jack, wasn’t behaving like my older son or my nieces and nephews. What was wrong with him?

My concerns were raised when he started walking. Well, he kind of skipped the walking stage really and went straight to running. He was constantly on the go; he didn’t stop unless he was napping which to be honest didn’t happen very often, neither did he sleep at night. From the moment he started to be on the move we had several trips to the hospital. His head was glued 14 times from the age of two to four.

Early School Days

I was so thankful for a few hours of peace when he went to the nursery. It was only three hours but, in that time, I could finish a cup of coffee that wasn’t cold. Jack loved nursery and he was learning so much! He was as good as gold at nursery and a very popular boy. I sometimes didn’t believe staff at the nursery as he was hardly ever “good” at home. Jack never followed my instructions. For example, if I’d say Jack don’t touch that it is hot, he would touch it, if I said don’t run he would run faster, if I said don’t climb on that he would climb higher. I kept questioning his behaviour, thinking he’ll grow out of this or he’s just being a boy.

When Jack got into full-time school, I increased my hours at work. It was fine (well sort of fine, I still had major issues at home). I started to see small meltdowns at five years old and these just got worse. When he was six, it was getting difficult to take Jack out for dinner. Family days out became impossible. My dad, being a bit of an old school parent, said well you need to discipline him more. Jack’s behaviour suddenly became more noticeable and it was affecting everybody.

Jack’s dad and I started arguing more, my oldest son was getting hurt by Jack and I started to question my parenting and I felt like a rubbish mum. My son must hate me, I believed, because he’s not doing anything he is told. He never sat still. Everything was hard work. On the flip side there would be this loving boy also giving me cuddles. Oh my God! I was confused, stressed, needing help but who could help me? He was fine at school just not at home.

My family gave him a stamp of being “naughty”.

But I loved my “naughty” little one. I knew he wanted to be good, he just didn’t know how, and I didn’t know how to help him.

His dad didn’t help much – he would lose his temper which made everything worse. If you said no to Jack it made Jack worse.

The meltdowns escalated. He would hide under the tables, shout, kick, punch, it was becoming more and more extreme. Sometimes after the meltdowns he would look dazed, sometimes cry or look confused. Jack was not remembering these more severe meltdowns. I had no clue what was going on. I would often cry a lot. So many questions. Is he just naughty or is there something wrong?

He could talk, he could write, he could read – so why was he so frustrated all the time? Was it just frustration?

The Realisation

When Jack was six, he had a best friend at school. This friend didn’t seem to mind Jack being naughty. He was the only friend Jack would invite to his house and he was the only friend that invited Jack to his house for tea. Jack didn’t get invited to many parties or friends’ houses because it turned out that he was being naughty at school although I didn’t know this yet.

Anyway, I became friends with the mum. We got to know each other more and more and she would listen to me when I went on about Jack’s behaviour. It was actually really nice to be heard for once. She didn’t make me feel bad if Jack had done something. One evening when she came to collect her son, Jack had a major meltdown. I felt so embarrassed and I broke down in tears. She left Jack to have his meltdown and she calmed me down. I knew she had an older son; I didn’t know he had something in common with Jack. She said Jack really reminded her of her own son at that age. Her son had ADHD!

I knew nothing about it and my response initially was, “No he’s just being naughty!” She told me some stories and oh my goodness, Jack was so similar! But back then ADHD could not be diagnosed until the age of eight. I didn’t want to think Jack had ADHD but I read up on it and whilst I still wasn’t convinced, I knew I was exhausted and I felt useless.

From the time Jack turned seven, my life continued to get more and more stressful and I still find it hard to describe what it felt like.  I kept feeling that ‘I cannot cope’, ‘I am out of control’ and ‘I need help’.

Jack’s dad was still not helping, and we were on the verge of splitting up. We didn’t have a relationship anymore. My life was the boys and being there for them. I had no time for anything else. I started getting calls from the school asking me to collect Jack. “He’s hit someone, we are excluding him for a day can you collect Jack?”

“He’s been rude to the teacher; can we have a meeting about Jack? He needs a behaviour plan.” “Jack is being excluded for one week.”

Jack Goes Missing!

This went on for months and months- being called out of work to get my son. Then one day, I got a call from the school and told my colleagues I had to go to the school urgently. When I arrived, the receptionist said hello Mrs Brooks, wait there will get the teacher. I waited and I waited. She came and said can you come with me we have a problem.

“Jack has run off and we can’t find him!”

“What?! What do you mean you can’t find my son?”

The headteacher was trying to tell me what he’d done today. My priority was to just find Jack. Where the hell could he have gone? I know my son and I knew he would be somewhere where the kids are not allowed to go, or anywhere that said, ‘staff only’. I saw a door and I remember saying ‘What’s in here? Is it unlocked?’ The teacher said yes, this is where we keep the stationary. He wouldn’t go in there. “Let’s check,” I said, so we walked in.

Inside the room with a lot of metal shelving units, I called Jack’s name and I heard a little giggle – I looked up and saw him lying flat on his back, nose nearly touching the ceiling on the top shelf.  It took us nearly an hour to get him down. The teacher kept trying to tell me what he’s like, but all I could think about was getting out of there as quick as possible and taking Jack home.  I couldn’t cope with this.

I made an appointment with the school after months of exclusions, missing out on trips and playtimes. The school finally referred Jack to CAMHS and when Jack turned eight, we had an ADHD diagnosis. But the battle for support was an ongoing issue and the impact of having a diagnosis on Jack was hard. He was realising that he was different and there is a reason he has had no control over his meltdowns.

After Jack’s diagnosis, his dad and I split up. I learned more about ADHD. Although a single parent now I was determined to help Jack in any way I could. The majority of the time it was leaving Jack to come out of his meltdowns, and to ensure his (and mine) safety. Sometimes I was able to intervene for meltdown as I became more aware of when his facial expressions would change, and something happened behind his eyes. I could always tell when a meltdown was brewing and if I managed to catch the change in his eyes and his facial expression then sometimes, I could remove him from a situation or a place before the meltdown started.

After Jack received a diagnosis, his teacher attended a course on ADHD which helped both of us, especially Jack. A support worker was provided in school. When the equivalent to what is now known as an EHCP was turned down, the school funded this.

This story is to let parents know that being a parent is bloody hard work and having a child with additional needs is even harder. But we stay strong. I have doubted myself. I have cried. I felt rubbish. My son had no control over his behaviour. I thought everything was my fault.

I realise now it was not me. I was doing the best I could. I have learned how to deal with certain behaviours and how to cope with going out and my priority was always about keeping my son safe and making sure he was happy.

My advice to all parents is to take advice! Talk to people and if you want to cry, shout and scream then do it – cry, shout and scream as much as you like! Stay strong and keep going. Remember you are not alone. Your child is a beautiful individual. Jack is now 19 years old. We laugh, he’s so funny! But he still stresses me out and I still cry a lot.

Jack’s View 

Everyone has the option whether you do a good thing or a bad thing but for me personally I don’t have time to choose what to do. I see black and then I come back, and then I see what the consequences are without me knowing what I’ve actually done because I’ve kind of blacked out. I am not saying this happens for everyone but that is what happens from me. People think I’m naughty or horrible but I really just can’t help it! It gets me down knowing I am hard work. You do learn over time to control it in certain situations but my life feels like an ongoing battle sometimes.

When I was around eight I can best describe me as being like Batman and Joker. I have a switch in my brain and when something triggered me Batman and Joker had a fight for the switch. Batman was strong and confident and the Joker was the one that got me in trouble. Whichever of them got there first would decide my behaviour and therefore the consequence. I felt I had no control. My brain works differently to others. I found that difficult sometimes. 

Note from the PlayWise team

We are ever so grateful to Jack and Mum for sharing their incredible story and hope it will help many families on a similar journey.

Also, Jack’s view has not been edited at all. It is just perfect!

The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in the blog section belong solely to the author, and not necessarily to PlayWise CIC and its team.